GHOST STORIES: The Holy Ghost brings it

What a LOSER.

Why is it important to listen to the Holy Ghost and minister unto His directives? Because the Holy Ghost has the literal power to strike us down at any moment, no matter where we are geographically on GOD's Earth.

Points in case:

In 1980, flight voice recordings indicated two pilots were having a conversation about the validity of the Holy Ghost as a Christian precept and both of them came to the conclusion the Holy Ghost was made-up. The flight (Aerolinee Itavia 870) was never head from again, and crashed, killing all 81 people on board.

In 2004, Flash Airlines Flight 604 (Egypt) crashed shortly after take-off, killing 142 passengers. Flight voice recorders indicate the lead flight attendant, a Muslim, had been reportedly telling jokes about the Trinity over the intercom, referring to the Holy Ghost as "Casper the Unholy Ghost".

These are just two of many such examples of why we should both listen to and obey the holy mutterings of the Holy Ghost.

Praise Him and honor him with an open and loving heart- trash talk Him at your mortal peril.

GOD bless you-

Captain Art Griego

Is fascism the answer to improving on-time performance?

Il Dolce watching planes take off at Aerporti di Roma, 1940

The holidays are nearly upon us and like anyone, I'm dreading flight delays. But is there a ready-made answer to the on-time performance woes we've all become so accustomed to? Perhaps...

I'm not a big Obama fan. In fact, he's a not-very-well-disguised fascist. However, as famed people-studiers Montagu and Darling suggest, fascism might have some benefits hiding just beneath the blankets on the bed of our political unhappiness. Consider their thoughts on Benito Mussolini, hall of fame Italian dictator of some years back:

"Mussolini may have done many brutal and terrible things; he may have destroyed freedom in Italy; he may have murdered and tortured citizens whose only crime was to oppose him; but one had to admit one thing about the Dictator: he made the trains run on time."

And so, something good may yet emerge like a great eagle, reborn again from the ashes of the ungood. Plainly put, could Obama's fascist dictatoring ways be the answer to improving on-time flight performance this holiday season? Can he pull a Mussolini and make the planes run on time? Let's hope so, for the sake of spending more time with our loved ones.

GOD bless you-

Captain Art Griego

The NEW Gestapo: Gate agents and airport security personel

Gate and ticketing agents often assign an "SSSS" code to the bottom of a passenger's boarding pass if the customer appears "odd" in someway, acts suspicious, or has ID that doesn't exactly match the traveler's name.

This "SSSS" designation is a red flag for TSA and other airline personnel, and prompts them to make thorough and extended searches of your possessions, question you on your ticketing details, and swab every item in your possession for explosives residue. Passengers with a "SSSS" code on their boarding passes also tend to get poorer service from flight attendants too.
How do I know? From personal experience, that's how. I was flagged "SSSS" last year for demanding a ticket upgrade at the counter (the ticketing agent and several witnesses said I was "yelling" and "cursing" and calling the agent "fat ass" and "lard butt", but of course they were mistaken). I was then searched three times, my belongings were rudely swabbed, and the TSA agent even insulted my on my choice of ties. As I boarded the aircraft, I was pulled out of the line and searched again and questioned as to what my travel plans were, why I had been in Denver, and why I was taking this particular flight home instead of an earlier/later one.

Have you ever assigned a person the "SSSS" code just because they were grumpy, rude, or you otherwise just didn't like the way they looked? Did you ever think that maybe YOU might have the attitude and not them? Be honest.

GOD bless you-
Captain Art Griego

And the winner is: Captain Griego

Great news!

I recently received a life-time achievement award for my service and contributions to the field of winged-flight from the Aviation Service Society of America. The inscription on the trophy (a beautiful bronze rendering of Icarus) reads:

"For Captain Art E. Griego, whose achievements are hereby inserted into the anals of aviation history."

I was surprised to receive the award, as I didn't even know this organization existed. However, I have proudly accepted the award and plan to display it on the mantle of my fireplace, next to my "Screaming Albatross" award, given to me by the Consortium for Regulated Aviation Professionals in 2001.

GOD bless you-

Captain Art Griego

THE DRAGON AND THE AIRPORT: MANO A MANO COMBAT AT LAX

Chinese national holding his place in line at LAX.

Last Saturday evening, upon my return from the Orient, I passed through LAX Immigration and Customs. I must say, the gentlemanly Christian in me was shocked at the savage disregard for basic politeness shown by my fellow travelers from China. The Chinese are decent folks, but when it comes to lining up in an orderly fashion for anything, it's all Chinese for themselves.

As I stood in line at US Immigration and Customs, I saw an elderly Chinese woman get elbowed in the throat by a Chinese business man in a Saville Row suit and a Mr. Spock haircut. She went down right away, groaning loudly and clutching her throat. A young couple from Ningbo were standing right behind her too, and undoubtedly watched her hit the linoleum. Did they help her? No, they just stood peering into their cell-phones, pretending not to notice. The young woman even nudged the old woman's bags aside, and ushered her imitation Louis Vuitton bags into the vacated space, acting if nothing out-of-the-ordinary had happened. The Chinese businessman jabbered something in Asian to the old woman, and went back to reading his edition of the Singapore Business Weekly.

It's a sad state of affairs when an old person (even Chinese) gets mistreated and nobody stops to help. (I would have helped her up but my I was next in line for the immigration checkpoint.)

GOD bless you-

Captain Art Griego

MUSICALS: USING GAY MUSIC AS MORAL BOOSTER

In my day, I was pretty well-known for running a tight ship and doing everything possible to maintain order and morale. On long, transpacific flights I'd often force my crews to sing along with me to great Gilbert & Sullivan musicals. One of my favorites is the H.M.S. Pinafore. A typical call and response dialogue between my flight crew and I might go something like this:

CAPT: My gallant crew, good morning.

ALL (saluting): Sir, good morning!

CAPT: I hope you're all quite well.

ALL: Quite well; and you, sir?

CAPT: I am in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once more.

ALL: You do us proud, sir!

SONG -- CAPTAIN

CAPT: I am the Captain of the (state flight number and airline here);

ALL: And a right good captain, too!

CAPT: You're very, very correct,
And allow me to be direct,
I command a right good crew!

ALL: We're very, very good,
And be it understood,
He commands a right good crew.

CAPT: Though related to a peer,
I can recover from a stall, and steer,
And once in flight, although I'm sometimes pale ;
I am never known to quail
At the fury of a gale,
And I'm never, never sick at in the air!

ALL. What, never?

CAPT. No, never!

ALL. What, never?

CAPT. Hardly ever! (OK sometimes.)

ALL. He's hardly ever sick in the air!
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
For the hardy Captain of (state flight number and airline again)!

ARE OBESE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DRIVING UP COSTS?

Are overweight flight attendants causing aviation fuel prices to rise? The more I look into this issue, the more I'm inclined to believe there seems to be an causational relationship here.

In 1991, standards were passed easing restrictions on flight attendant weight. Simply put, flight attendants were basically permitted to pack on the pounds after 1991. And pack on the pounds they did, faster than you can say "pass the pasta".

Similarly, aviation fuel prices have also increased since the early 90's. I posit that the easing obesity restrictions in 1991 has led to increased fuel prices.


GOD bless you-

Captain Art Griego